Columbia's Finest Until 1908

Battering Ram Conversations

ARTHUR: Look at Joe.

KEVIN: Not again.

ARTHUR: How does he still get assigned to ram?

KEVIN: By being a master of the “make-it-look-like-I’m-ramming-but-actually-I’m-just-holding-on-for-the-ride” technique.

ARTHUR: What a jerk.


ARTHUR: -and heave!

ALL: Huzzah!

SIMON: What are you guys doing to my door?!

ARTHUR: We are here to infiltrate your kingdom, Lord Douglas. Stay right there unless you want to die!

SIMON: This is the Miller residence. The House of Douglas is two castles over.

ARTHUR: Oh…Really?

SIMON: Yeah.

ARTHUR: The sign says 300 paces from the lake and a left at the big tree.

SIMON: They should have fixed it by now. It should read “300 paces from the lake, left at the big tree, and veer right at the apothecary.”

ALL: Ohhhhh…

ARTHUR: The apothecary. That was it.


ARTHUR: Sorry about that.

SIMON: No worries. Only the third time this has happened.

ARTHUR: Oh, gosh. This is embarrassing. We’re really sorry.

SIMON: No worries.

ARTHUR: Alright, see ya.

SIMON: Good luck.


ARTHUR: One last push! Everyone, huzz-

KEVIN: Wait!


KEVIN: There’s a latch… And it’s unlocked.  

ARTHUR: Oh… Looks like our work is done here.

KEVIN: Thank god. You guys hungry? Who’s down for some gruel?


ARTHUR: What are you thinking?

KEVIN: I say four.

ARTHUR: Really? I’m gonna go with two.

KEVIN: Three florins that it’s four.

ARTHUR: You’re on.

KEVIN: Damn. Three swings. I guess both of us were wrong.

ARTHUR: You still gotta pay up.

KEVIN: What? Why?

ARTHUR: You went over. Going over makes you automatically lose.

KEVIN: Who said that?

ARTHUR: That’s just how it works. Pay up.

KEVIN: Fine.


ARTHUR: Hey, Kevin?

KEVIN: Yeah?

ARTHUR: What would we do if we couldn’t get through?

KEVIN: What do you mean?

ARTHUR: Well for years now, these doors have been opening after we hit them seven or so times, but what if we just couldn’t get through? Like, if we were to keep ramming and the door never opened?

KEVIN: I’ve never thought about that…

ARTHUR: I mean would we just leave? Or is there some bigger ram they have locked up in storage somewhere?

KEVIN: I don’t think so. We probably would have seen it by now.

ARTHUR: Right?

KEVIN: Poor planning if you ask me.

ARTHUR: I know, right?


ARTHUR: I have to pee.

KEVIN: Yeah, me too.

ARTHUR: Oh gosh.

KEVIN: Yeah, guys, can we take a quick break?

ARTHUR: Guys, seriously! This door isn’t going anywhere.


ARTHUR: Ouch! Another splinter. This ram is awful. It’s like they just cut down a tree and gave it to us.

KEVIN: You hear about the Maygars? They use a finished mahogany.

ARTHUR: No way!

KEVIN: Supposed to be real smooth.

ARTHUR: I’m telling you, one of these days I’m going to get a transfer.

KEVIN: No, you’re not.

ARTHUR: Yeah… You’re right.


ARTHUR: Me and Alice are checking out that new tavern tonight.

KEVIN: Oh, which one?

ARTHUR: By the glenn. Like, at the intersection of the glen and the dirt road.

KEVIN: Oh, I think I’ve heard of it.

ARTHUR: Yeah? It’s supposed to have good mead.

KEVIN: Sounds awesome.

ARTHUR: What are you up to?

KEVIN: Oh, nothing really. The usual. Probably play some backgammon or something.

ARTHUR: You wanna come with?

KEVIN: Yeah?

ARTHUR: Totally. You should come.

KEVIN: Awesome, I’ll tell Helena.

ARTHUR: Cool. Looks like we’re almost done here. We can meet up right after this.

KEVIN: Wait a minute…

ARTHUR: Are you serious?

KEVIN: There’s another door…

ARTHUR: Ugh, this is going to take at least another hour.

  • 27 September 2013
  • 1