JESTER

Columbia's Finest Until 1908

Superfood Rejection Letter

Dear Local Bee Pollen,

Thank you for applying to be a superfood. We enjoyed reading your application and getting to know you as a candidate. We were not, unfortunately, able to offer you a place on this year’s roster.

It is with great regret that we must bring you this message. We were truly amazed by the high caliber of our applicant pool, and had far more eligible foodsapply than could be admitted. They ranged from different strands of cruciferous vegetables to multiple nutritional yeast compounds. They came from places like central Brazil and the Xizang province. They carried health benefits like phytonutrients and omega-3 fatty acids. There was just so much to choose from. At the end of the day, however, we could only bestow superfood status upon a select group of fruits, vegetables, and dietary supplements, and you were not one of them.

We realize that this decision may come as a disappointment. Please keep in mind that this is not a judgement call on your nutritional value. It is just that in recent years, people have begun throwing around the word “superfood” too loosely, using it to describe any item of produce with the slightest nutritional benefit. This committee was formed to retain the term’s sanctity and establish a formal review process for granting superfood status, and as such, we receive thousands of applications a year for a small number of highly-coveted spots. Your rejection speaks to the limited amount of spots we have and is by no means an evaluation of your abilities as a daily supplement, smoothie ingredient, heavily-strained yogurt topping, or any other culinary role you may fill.

We are often asked to give specific notes on our rejected applicants. We can’t give you exact details, though we can say that we liked the diversity of your vitamins and essential enzymes, but felt that for a powdered supplement, you function better as an herbal remedy than a capital S superfood, so to speak. Furthermore, we pride ourselves on playing host to a diversity of foods, all from different backgrounds, and because of this, there are a very limited amount of slots for powders, making admission that much more competitive.

You may feel the need to call or send us a letter justifying your continued candidacy. Please rest assured: A highly-trained committee of yoga instructors, raw vegan chefs, upper-middle class power couples, and Lyle, the owner of the independently-owned health food store down the street, spent hours and hours reading and discussing every application, combing over the details with an alert, Vitamin B-fueled precision. All of our decisions are final.

That does not exclude you from applying next year, though. On the contrary, we encourage rejected applicants to reapply—the landscape for what can or can’t be a superfood is ever-changing. Our selection criteria is largely dependent on the nation’s health needs at any given time, and will naturally subject itself to variability, privy to the findings of scientific research, investigative news reports, blog posts, and again, Lyle.

 Sincerely,

The United States Senate Special Committee on Superfoods

 P.S. We are by no means insinuating that you would be inclined to do so, but for the sake of good practice, we ask you to please refrain from falsely marketing yourself as a superfood. You will be sent a cease-and-desist letter, and should the activity continue, rather severe legal action will ensue. Thank you for your cooperation.

  • 30 August 2013